Author Archives: randellneudorf

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About randellneudorf

Artist, Musician, and Pastor

Life Doesn’t Fit On A Screen

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Life doesn’t fit on a screen and that is OK.

It is important to remember that life is bigger and more complicated than what a tweet, photo, article, post, update, or YouTube video can convey.

This is not about hiding the negative and only sharing the polished positive versions of ourselves online. This is about giving people permission to have private matters in our lives without feeling shame or blame.

It is ok to:

  • feel sad,
  • be mad,
  • make a mistake
  • have an unpopular opinion,
  • do something weird,
  • be boring,
  • be unproductive or super productive,
  • or just keep something to yourself for no reason at all.

When I see a photo of your cat, I’m happy to see your cat but I don’t think you are the crazy cat lady. I know there is more to you than I’m being shown.

Vulnerability online is fine and good but even that is still just a shadow of real life. It is an image of an image pointing to something else. Don’t feel bad about your online self not being 100% you, it never will be. You are 100% human and that doesn’t fit on a screen.

All that being said don’t keep things bottled up that are causing you harm just because you don’t want to share them online. Share them with just one safe person. It could be a friend, a teacher, a family member, your therapist, spiritual director, pastor, priest, or a help line. You can also try praying. I believe that God sees us fully and loves us fully (no exceptions).

Click Here to find all my Art Journal posts,
or feel free to follow me on Facebook or Instagram.

Rage

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Yesterday I was enraged. Just livid. I wanted to unleash my righteous anger and to teach the offenders a lesson. As I was heading home to compose the most scathing of social media posts I was stopped. Luckily I don’t have data on my phone so I couldn’t instantly express my rage. As I was stomping off to the bus stop I turned on the podcast I downloaded.

Every Monday I listen in to the Sunday teaching from the Meeting House church. I use to tease meeting-housers (mostly in good fun but sometimes in jealousy) for being a mega church with a 1984 style talking head projected onto movie screens. A number of years ago I started listening to the sermons they post. 9 years ago I became a Mennonite and was looking for accessible voices from an Anabaptist perspective (the tribe of theology Mennonites are part of). The Meeting House fit the bill.

Fast forward to yesterday and I’m hearing Bruxy Cavey (a Meetinghouse teacher) talk about how social media has become a tool for “othering” and self righteousness. Feeling a little calmer I wrote a couple private emails to people and organizations directly and then I drew this picture in my art journal. I don’t want to be a person of rage (justice yes, rage no). I also don’t want to inspire rage and hate in people who disagree with me. I want to be full of grace & peace and be a person that is open to healthy conversations steeped in grace & peace.

Click Here to find all my Art Journal posts,
or feel free to follow me on Facebook or Instagram.

Kites

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When I was ten I loved flying a kite. I would head to the park and run and run until I got my kite to catch the wind and shoot up into the sky. It wasn’t a fancy kite so it wasn’t made for tricks. I eventually discovered if you let out a bunch of extra string real fast (creating some extra slack) the kite would do a nose dive. As the kite was falling if you pulled the string tight at just the right moment the kite would catch the wind and do a little spin and shoot back up into the sky (sometimes even higher). It was very exciting.
Today I was meeting with my Spiritual Director, and at the end of our session we closed with some silence in prayer. This image of a kite doing what I just described came to mind. I often feel like that falling kite with so much of my life in transition (starting a new job during a pandemic is super weird). Wind is one of the metaphors used to describe God the Holy Spirit in the Bible. This image reminds me that I might feel untethered, like the wind is gone but this is just a small moment in the grand scheme of things. You can’t get the surprise of being caught by the wind without a little drop.
I’m learning to trust that just because I don’t know what is coming next it doesn’t mean there isn’t a plan.

Click Here to find all my Art Journal posts,
or feel free to follow me on Facebook or Instagram.

Breath Prayer

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I’m part of a prayer internship with GOHOP called Studies In New Monasticism. Each month we have a book to read and a Spiritual Practice to try on. This month was breath prayer. We were asked to try on a very old prayer passed down from the desert fathers & mothers through the Orthodox Church.

As you breathe in you pray “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God…” and as you breathe out you pray “…have mercy on me, a sinner.” As you breath in and out you repeat this over and over. It becomes a way to “pray without ceasing.”

I have used breath prayers before but have generally stuck to shorter prayers that fit my breathing rhythm better (I don’t have great lung capacity), but as I tried to use this less natural rhythm I discovered God interacting with me.

As I was walking in the rain one day with this breath prayer I noticed an inner dialogue happening. A prayer within a prayer.

Breathe in… “Lord Jesus Christ…” (Wow! I’m done breathing in) as I hold my breath I squeezed in a “…Son of God…”

Breathe out… “have mercy on me, a sinner.” (That is kind of negative, I’m use to God being all about love and invitation).

In… “Jesus Christ, Son of God…” (Crap! I forgot to say “Lord”) Out… “…have mercy on me, a sinner.”

In… “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God…” (God is infinite, of course it is a struggle to breathe God in) Out… “…have mercy on me, a sinner.” (Yes have mercy on me)

In… “Lord Jesus Christ, SON OF GOD…” (I’m a child of God, Jesus is The Son Of God, but we are kin. I’m also a son of God) Out “…have mercy on me a sinner.” As I say the word I can feel the mercy (God I’m your child and I can feel your forgiveness, it feels like love.)

In…
…out.
Breathe in….
Breathe out…
In…
Out…
In…
…out….

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
Amen (let it be so)

Click Here to find all my Art Journal posts,
or feel free to follow me on Facebook or Instagram.