Category Archives: GOHOP

Life Doesn’t Fit On A Screen

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Life doesn’t fit on a screen and that is OK.

It is important to remember that life is bigger and more complicated than what a tweet, photo, article, post, update, or YouTube video can convey.

This is not about hiding the negative and only sharing the polished positive versions of ourselves online. This is about giving people permission to have private matters in our lives without feeling shame or blame.

It is ok to:

  • feel sad,
  • be mad,
  • make a mistake
  • have an unpopular opinion,
  • do something weird,
  • be boring,
  • be unproductive or super productive,
  • or just keep something to yourself for no reason at all.

When I see a photo of your cat, I’m happy to see your cat but I don’t think you are the crazy cat lady. I know there is more to you than I’m being shown.

Vulnerability online is fine and good but even that is still just a shadow of real life. It is an image of an image pointing to something else. Don’t feel bad about your online self not being 100% you, it never will be. You are 100% human and that doesn’t fit on a screen.

All that being said don’t keep things bottled up that are causing you harm just because you don’t want to share them online. Share them with just one safe person. It could be a friend, a teacher, a family member, your therapist, spiritual director, pastor, priest, or a help line. You can also try praying. I believe that God sees us fully and loves us fully (no exceptions).

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Kites

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When I was ten I loved flying a kite. I would head to the park and run and run until I got my kite to catch the wind and shoot up into the sky. It wasn’t a fancy kite so it wasn’t made for tricks. I eventually discovered if you let out a bunch of extra string real fast (creating some extra slack) the kite would do a nose dive. As the kite was falling if you pulled the string tight at just the right moment the kite would catch the wind and do a little spin and shoot back up into the sky (sometimes even higher). It was very exciting.
Today I was meeting with my Spiritual Director, and at the end of our session we closed with some silence in prayer. This image of a kite doing what I just described came to mind. I often feel like that falling kite with so much of my life in transition (starting a new job during a pandemic is super weird). Wind is one of the metaphors used to describe God the Holy Spirit in the Bible. This image reminds me that I might feel untethered, like the wind is gone but this is just a small moment in the grand scheme of things. You can’t get the surprise of being caught by the wind without a little drop.
I’m learning to trust that just because I don’t know what is coming next it doesn’t mean there isn’t a plan.

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Breath Prayer

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I’m part of a prayer internship with GOHOP called Studies In New Monasticism. Each month we have a book to read and a Spiritual Practice to try on. This month was breath prayer. We were asked to try on a very old prayer passed down from the desert fathers & mothers through the Orthodox Church.

As you breathe in you pray “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God…” and as you breathe out you pray “…have mercy on me, a sinner.” As you breath in and out you repeat this over and over. It becomes a way to “pray without ceasing.”

I have used breath prayers before but have generally stuck to shorter prayers that fit my breathing rhythm better (I don’t have great lung capacity), but as I tried to use this less natural rhythm I discovered God interacting with me.

As I was walking in the rain one day with this breath prayer I noticed an inner dialogue happening. A prayer within a prayer.

Breathe in… “Lord Jesus Christ…” (Wow! I’m done breathing in) as I hold my breath I squeezed in a “…Son of God…”

Breathe out… “have mercy on me, a sinner.” (That is kind of negative, I’m use to God being all about love and invitation).

In… “Jesus Christ, Son of God…” (Crap! I forgot to say “Lord”) Out… “…have mercy on me, a sinner.”

In… “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God…” (God is infinite, of course it is a struggle to breathe God in) Out… “…have mercy on me, a sinner.” (Yes have mercy on me)

In… “Lord Jesus Christ, SON OF GOD…” (I’m a child of God, Jesus is The Son Of God, but we are kin. I’m also a son of God) Out “…have mercy on me a sinner.” As I say the word I can feel the mercy (God I’m your child and I can feel your forgiveness, it feels like love.)

In…
…out.
Breathe in….
Breathe out…
In…
Out…
In…
…out….

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
Amen (let it be so)

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Money Taboo

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Nothing makes me feel quite as vulnerable as talking about money. It is taboo, it is embarrassing, and yet it is also necessary.

Over the last week I have been trying to build up my support team for my new job with GOHOP. I’m in the process of sending out emails asking friends, family, and strangers to consider being part of my monthly support team. As you push “send” you feel so exposed, raw and open to criticism. As responses come in you realize you still have a lot of work to do but you also feel reassured as people (regardless of whether they can give) send encouraging words.

This isn’t the first time I have had to do this. When I was the pastor of The Commons (a little Mennonite Church plant) this was a yearly rhythm. I remember the first time I stood up and asked my church friends to consider tithing (a spiritual practice of giving a percentage). After I explained the budget and asked everyone to consider what they could give, the first person who ran up to me to talk was one of the people I felt bad about asking (I knew they didn’t have a lot of money). This person was so excited to be asked but then confessed “I have felt so bad about never being able to give. I have been stuck in a cycle of PayDay loans and I’m in so much debt.” Being open about talking about my own financial needs broke the money taboo and my friend could now talk about their debt. On multiple occasions as a pastor these fundraising conversations led to conversations about debt. Each time I was able to refer people to debt counseling and watch them become unburdened by their money secret and work to be free from their debt.

As I am once again awkwardly asking for money I’m leaning into my past learnings about being willing to talk openly and honestly about money. If you have your own experiences about talking about money I would love to hear them.

If you are curious about my own financial support goals check out: randellneudorf.com/gohop

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